Dear Robin, Love Batgirl
by Dollfayce
Summary: I may be the only one wanting the Gotham girls to go out for dinner every so often, but I don't care. Here's one of their nights out, where they help Barbara confront a problem she is having.


I love me some disclaimers: Nothing in this story is mine--obviously, I would hope.

And this is a joke times ten anyways.

This was written for my sister, who is Batgirl, and is posted at her request.

I know next to nothing about Nightwing, so everything in reference to him is probably wrong.

I fully support a hardcore Gotham as we are finding in recent comics. I imagine it would be very much like that. But you can't be hardcore ALL the freaking time. Seriously, it's not possible, except for maybe the Joker. Everyone else, I think, would say stupid things and get lonely and in general just be a mostly normal person. I love the idea of the girls getting together every so often.

(And nobody fuss at me about her letter and say OMG you are insinuating that the gay is not the awesome. Don't want to hear it. I took the idea from laughing about Nightwing, but mostly the Ghost World movie. (Go watch that if you haven't.) I don't care who you like to kiss or who you think other people like to kiss. Anyways in my world, Lucius loves Severus, Joker loves Batman, Spock loves Kirk, and I love them all.)

This takes place in some universe where Dick is still hanging out in Gotham all the time and Barbara is still Batgirl.

DEAR ROBIN LOVE BATGIRL

"Well, and then he was all like, _Ah'm off to sleep with some ay-li-en ho-bag!_" Barbara said, jabbing at her pasta like it was Nightwing's _face._

"Starfire?" Ivy asked.

"Yeah, okay, Starfire."

"You should have killed him," Harley offered. "No man has a right to cheat on his girl. Definitely death."

"Attagirl Harley," Ivy said proudly. (Not that Harley, among her very many relationship problems, ever had or would ever have that one, but still. Progress.)

"Well, that's the thing, we weren't exactly dating…" Barbara said.

"Then what _were_ you doing?" Selena said. The sole brunette at the table looked rather bored with the whole thing.

"Um. Nothing."

"Well, neither was Nightwing," said Ivy, smiling.

"What?"

"I have it on good authority that Starfire was never dating Nightwing, especially during—was this last year?"

Barbara nodded.

"Yes, then. Nightwing has never gone out with Starfire."

"How on earth do you know that?" Selena said.

"I just know."

Selena rolled her eyes. "Since you're trying to be all _dark _and _mysterious _about it, I'm going to assume you're trying to insinuate you have insider knowledge, which means you want us to think that you were dating one of them yourself, or something. So which is it? Were you ripping callow young Nightwing from the arms of Batgirl? Or was it," and Selena grinned, "Starfire herself?"

Harley laughed. "Oh puh-leez. Red never dates anyone. She hates people. Except for me."

Ivy glared at Harley. "Don't be so sure, Harl," she muttered. "No," she said in her normal voice. "As a matter of fact I did _not _mean that," here Selena and Barbara snorted, but Ivy continued gracefully. "But, as you know, Starfire has a thing for the X-Men. One of Xavier's students—Nightcrawler? A blue one, was in Gotham recently, as an emissary from Xavier, needed something—and frankly he would NOT SHUT UP ABOUT HER. _That's_ how I know."

"Fair enough," Selena said. She looked as if she was enjoying herself now.

"Nightcrawler?" Barbara said wistfully. "I kinda like him…"

"_Yeeuch_!" Harley said. "He's like a blue…furry…devilly…tailly…crawly…disappeary…uh…thing," she finished lamely.

"You do have a way with words, Harleen," said Ivy.

"_Anyways_, ew." Harley said.

Barbara smiled, and decided not to bring up the fact that the woman who thought it was weird she had the hots for a charming, intelligent, if maybe slightly off-color mutant was at the moment hopelessly attracted to an emaciated psychopathic clown. Selena and Ivy were no doubt thinking the same thing, and anyways it's not like Harley would catch the joke, much less the irony.

Then she realized what Ivy's revelation had meant. "Wait! You mean he LIED to me?!"

"Men _do _do that, honey," Ivy said drily, with the others solemnly nodding their heads.

"But—but not Nightwing! He's honest and brave and true! He would never--"

The others' laughter drowned her out.

"Oh shut up," she muttered.

"You're so…naive…" Selena finally got out.

_Said the woman who still believed she could still have a relationship with Batman and propositioned him every chance she got!_ Barbara thought.

"And sweet," said Ivy.

_Said the woman who took in Harley every time she had nowhere else to go! _Barbara thought.

"And loyal! Just like a little baby!" Harley said.

_Said the—you know what, never mind, _Barbara thought.

"Fine," Barbara finally said out loud. "Whatevs. I'll accept that. I'm not as, uh, experienced as you three. Do you know why he would have pretended to date Starfire?"

Selena frowned. "Not enough of the story yet. Let's hear some more—what happened after he 'broke up' with Starfire?"

Harley leaned forward in her seat so she was practically on top of the table. Like to she point where she knocked the bread over and had her elbow in the olive oil. "Oooh, yeah, let's have it!"

Now Barbara frowned. "Hmm. I'm not—right after Starfire there was, okay, it was some something stupid--Jade! That's it."

"Pfft. That's a ridiculous name," said Poison Ivy, nee Pamela Isley.

"Never happened," Selena said.

"How do you know?" Barbara asked.

"Because I saw her with her girlfriend the other day."

"So?" Harley asked. "I have lots of girlfriends, and I still have a boyfriend." All eyes were suddenly on Harley.

"Do you have lots of girlfriends, Harley?" Ivy asked carefully.

"Well, okay, not lots, mainly just you and Selena and now Barbara—and OH! Girlfriend. Like not a girl that is a friend but a girlfriend that you—okay. Never mind. Don't have one of those. One boyfriend is enough trouble. Whoo doggies."

"But that still doesn't mean that—" Barbara said, returning to the subject at hand.

"I have never seen her with a man. Ever," Selena said. "Pretty sure Nightwing is full of crap."

"Pretty sure Nightwing is gonna be full of _pain_," Barbara said.

"That doesn't make sense," Ivy commented.

"That doesn't matter," the other redhead returned.

At this point they were interrupted by a timid waiter clearing away their dishes and asking if they would like any dessert.

"Coffee," said Selena. "Black."

"Bloody Mary," said Ivy, "with extra celery."

"As much ice cream as you can bring out," said Harley, "with hot fudge and cherries."

"Tirimisu," said Barbara, "because I'm not sure what that is." The waiter left, and Barbara continued. "But, I know for a fact that he _was_ seeing Huntress. I even caught them making out once."

"Nuh-uh," Harley said. "That didn't happen."

"It did happen, I saw them. It will be burned onto my brain forever because it was horrifying. I do not subscribe to your brand of selective reality."

"What? I don't know what you're talking about."

"Well, you wouldn't, would you?"

Harley frowned. "What I _mean_, little missy, is that Huntress and Nightwing did not have a relationship. Don't get all huffy with me, I didn't break up your little romance."

Barbara sighed. She should not have snapped at Harley but she couldn't help it, she was feeling a bit on edge. Fortunately, of all the women there, Harley was the one most accustomed to rolling with the punches. Most of the time, quite literally.

"Sorry, Harley. How do you know?"

All insult forgotten, the clown-girl's face brightened. "Because there was this one time where Mr J," and if the name could have been spoken with little hearts surrounding it, Harley would have done so, "and me were like doin' all this crazy stuff and it was great! But only kind of great actually because like Batman didn't show up and the boss always gets a little prickly when that happens but it was all right because anyway the doll heads didn't cost _that _much but you know try telling him that especially when the old fire extinguishers don't explode—"

"Harley," Ivy interrupted. "Huntress?"

"Yeah, I was gettin' there, hold on," Harley said. She took another breath and the women braced themselves. "So like, Huntress shows up instead, which you know, is cool by me, but Puddin'—" Harley caught Ivy's glare. "Eh. Long story short, we both ended up chained to a wall in an abandoned toy factory, and we had a bit of a heart to heart."

"How did you _both_—" Barbara started, but received a kick from under the table from a stiletto heel. "Never mind. And?"

"Well mainly we talked about relationships, and she told me all about Nightwing, and how they had kind of been _involved_ a couple of times and she had felt all this possibility, but it didn't even matter because he never called or saw her or anything."

"_Huntress_ told you all that?" said Selena in disbelief. She was no fan of Huntress, the latter not having as liberal views as Batman concerning cat burglers. "Funny, I always thought she was a total—"

"B," Barbara supplied. "A b." Privately Barbara agreed with this assessment.

"Sure," said Selena, "why not. A b."

"After two days chained to a pipe," Harley said, "you start to feel chatty."

Blank stares.

"Whaddid I say this time?!" she complained. "I don't get it."

"Exactly," Ivy said, patting her on the head, which calmed her down. "Well, Barbara, there you have it. You know it's not just you. Nightwing may not be sleeping with you, but he certainly isn't sleeping with anyone else either."

Selena grinned, catlike even without her costume. "Which begs the question, girls—why? Barbara here is not only well-adjusted, witty, intelligent, sensible—she's also extremely attractive. Why would a red-blooded American male _not _be interested in her?"

"Maybe he fears commitment and is too FRIGGIN' WEAK to get over it." Ivy hated men a little bit.

"Maybe he has a mother complex, or he can't let go of that _ideal_ woman-as-anima in his subconscious." Harley used to be a psychiatrist.

"Maybe he feels inadequate." Selena was used to intimidating people.

"Or maybe," Barbara said darkly, "we're not considering the most likely option."

"What's that?"

"_That he's totally gay."_

Harley gasped theatrically. Ivy laughed. Selena looked thoughtful. The waiter served the dessert.

"Are you serious?"

Barbara sighed. "No, of course not. Nightwing's not gay."

Ivy peered at her, taking a bite of celery. "Isn't he, though?"

"It is an intriguing possibility," Selena conceded, sipping her café noir delicately.

"It would explain the prancing and the whining," Harley probably added around an entire mouthful of hot fudge, and the other two women nodded.

"You guys!" Barbara exclaimed. "You're just trying to freak me out. He's not gay. He doesn't show interest in boys, he doesn't enjoy interior decorating, he doesn't even dress that well—"

"He prances around in spandex."

"He has long lustrous locks."

"Before Nightwing he was Robin—"

"Which quite frankly could not get any more homosexual."

"Or homosexy."

"Harley, I've told you, that is not a word."

"Is too."

"Whatever. The fact is, he's rich and beautiful young man whose closest and most intimate relationship, evidently, is with man who dresses as a bat."

"Yes, but a very attractive man who dresses as a bat."

"In lots of leather."

Selena's eyes widened. "Oh! Do you think he's in love with Batman?"

Ivy nodded. "That would explain a _lot._"

Harley sighed. "That's so _romantic._"

Barbara decided now was her moment to step in and stop these miscreants. "You guys, stop, that's not…" She knew for a fact Bruce wasn't gay. If only for the fact that she wanted his hot bat-body so very much, but, whatever. But the more she thought about it—

"Hmm," she finally. "That's…hmm."

"Intriguing, no?" Selena said.

"No—that's too far." Ivy said. "If Nightwing has any feelings at all for Batman of that sort, they are going decidedly unrequited."

"How do you figure that?" asked Harley.

"Well, _you _know, because…" Ivy looked around. She was getting nothing. Still, she decided to go for it. "Everyone knows that the Joker and Batman have so much UST it's palpable—to the point where you could slice it like bread."

"OMG I HOPE YOU WOULDN'T EVER." said Barbara.

"Well, no, I wouldn't, because that would be disgusting. But you see where I'm coming from? They love each other. They're obsessed with each other. Batman's ditched Selena for Joker countless times, and Joker's propositioned Batman more than the four of us _combined,_ and I am including Harley in this calculation." Ivy smiled all wicked-like. "See where I'm coming from, girls?"

"Yeah, maybe," Barbara admitted grudgingly.

But Selena and Harley quite obviously did _not _see where Ivy was coming from. Their death stares could probably slay thousands who were not inured to them. Obviously they were not fond of the thought of their personal loves being involved with each other.

Both women started at the same time, one in a low whisper, the other shrieking.

"Batman is not—"

"My pudding would never—"

"All right, all _right_," Ivy said. "I'm just saying. If anyone's sleeping together—"

"Ivy," Barbara said, putting her hand on the woman's shoulder, and keeping an eye on the other, more irate women. "Here's the thing. We love you here and support your opinion. But when you say things like that—especially, in fact, that—it makes all three of us _extremely sad._" She gulped. "_Seriously._"

"Fine," Ivy said. "Never mind." She looked grumpy, though, as if put out by lack of support.

Selena and Harley were still glaring at Ivy. Barbara decided to break the tension with her own anger.

"But do you know what, you're _right_!" she said. "About Nightwing, I mean," she amended. "There is no reason he should not be pursuing a relationship with me. It's not like I'm looking for anything serious, we're in the same line of business—and I'm an intelligent and pretty and charming girl."

"Damn _straight_ you are," agreed Harley, with a hiccup. She had ordered the wine with the dinner, against Ivy's recommendation. "I'd date you."

"Yes, well, hopefully that won't be necessary.

"What are you going to do?" asked Selena, her eyes glittering. "Can I help? This sounds fun."

"No, I don't think I'm going to do anything dire."

"Really? Because _we _could with _no _harm to our reputation."

"Or, if, you know," Selena winked. "You want to make sure, so to speak, we're experts at seduction."

"Except me," said Harley. "I'm more of an expert at denying rejection. But it amounts to the same thing."

"I could lend you my lipstick," said Ivy.

"Ha-ha," Barbara said weakly, not so keen on either the thought of seducing Nightwing or the ensuing ruckus in the Batcave that would cause. "That's fine, guys, thanks—but I don't think it'll come to that."

"What're you going to do?"

"I dunno. Maybe, like, write him a note expressing my feelings or something."

"Aw!" Harley squealed. The other women groaned.

"Hey now," Barbara said. "You never know."

"What are you thinking? He'll read your note and be so overcome by romance he'll come begging at your feet?"

"That _doesn't _happen."

"I don't care," said Barbara. "I think it will get the job done," she said darkly.

Barbara (as Batgirl) sat at her Batdesk in the Batcave. She had a piece of paper in front of her and a black pen in her hand, poised to write who knows what terrifying confession of love.

The other women did not understand. She could only tell them so much without jeopardizing security. It was unfortunate, but necessary.

They didn't know that there was so much secrecy in the Batcave, even among the Batfamily. So many lies—so much cloak and dagger crap, even between people who were supposed to be friends. Who were supposed to depend on each other for their _lives_. No. She would end that NOW—or at least try to start.

Robin (she had trouble thinking of him as Nightwing) would know how she _really felt._

_Dear Robin_, she wrote. Yes, that was an excellent start.

_You are gay._

_Love, Batgirl._

Yes! Perfection! She folded it up and started making her way upstairs to slip it under his door.

She couldn't wait to tell the girls what had happened come next Wednesday.


End file.
